BY ANY OTHER NAME

"You see, Captain, turning the crew into these allows you
to save considerably on extras and walk-ins"

Air date: February 23, 1968
Writer: D.C. Fontana & Jerome Bixby
Director: Marc Daniels

Star Trek's second season is usually considered the show's best. While it certainly contains a great number of iconic episodes, I find that the second half of the season lacking in certain respects. We'll get back to that when we discuss the relevant episodes.

I get the feeling that the series is feeling the pinch of budgetary expenditures. While competently written, the plot is overly simple with very little frills and, sadly, very little thrills despite being written by two of Trek's heavy hitters. Well, at least it's not offensively bad, as some late Trek episodes will be. On its own terms, the episode is quite fun to watch, but don't expect too much, eh.

The Enterprise answers a mysterious distress signal and the crew beams down on an unknown planet where they are met with the Kelvans, humanoids wearing the ugliest jumpsuits this side of the galaxy. The leader, Rojan, does not waste time as he immediately orders Captain Kirk to surrender his ship. Of course, Kirk has been threatened by experts so he doesn't take Rojan very seriously. Well, he should 'cause the Kelvans have these little devices on their belts allowing them to paralyse the landing party at the mere touch of a button. Other Kelvans invade the Enterprise where they rapidly take control of things (we are never told exactly how the Kelvans can beam on board the Enterprise, but they can due to the script telling us they can. So there).

As far as evil plans go, the Kelvans' is pretty run-of-the-mill. All they want is a lift back home so they can tell other Kelvans to invade us. Trouble is, they live in the Andromeda galaxy and so the trip will take some time. No matter, the Kelvans will modify the engines so the Enterprise will go faster. Even so, the trip will take roughly 300 years, so only the descendants of the crew will get there.

Meanwhile, Kirk and the landing party are held in custody while the Kelvans get bee-zee. This does grant Kirk the opportunity to plot a daring escape using Mr Spock's telepathic abilities. Unfortunately it backfires horribly and Rojan teaches Kirk a thing or too about compliance.

Just to show Captain Kirk they mean business, Rojan demonstrates another use for their belt devices: it turns a human beings into a tetrahedral block representing the very essence of the victim, including personality traits. Anar, one of the Kelvans (with the ugliest jumpsuit yet) turn two redshirts into these blocks and Rojan, playing a version three-card monte, kills one of the two. Well, at least both of them had bits of dialogue and names, a rare thing for red shirts.

Back on the Enterprise, the Kelvans turn most of the crew into these blocks, leaving only Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty. Yeah, that's right, leave the series regular alive so they can work on a devilish plan to get rid of you. Fantastic, Rojan. And whaddayouknow, they do indeed come up a devilish plan. You see, despite their appearances, the Kelvans are decidedly non-human. Their real appearances is akin to a ten-feet large octopoid. They have taken human forms to save space on their journeys. But they haven't just taken human forms, they have completely mimicked our bodies down to its biological functions. Basically, the Kelvans don't just look human, for all intends and purposes they are human. And as such, they share our human weaknesses.

So, our heroes' plan is to use the Kelvans inability to comprehend their human forms to their own advantage. This is where the fun begins. Scotty takes Tomar down for a drink, and getting fantastically sloshed in the process (leading to Scotty's immortal line 'it's green' when opening a new bottle). Dr McCoy, ever the medical experimenter, pumps enough stimulants in Anar (he of the ugly jumpsuit) to make him edgy and confrontational. As for Kirk, well, being Captain Kirk he will use his most dastardly weapon against Rojan and Kelinda: romance! Yes, Captain Kirk instructs the female Kelinda the ways of the flesh, sending Rojan in a jealous rage.

It works perfectly. Rojan finally can't stand Kirk putting the moves on Kelinda and the usual Star Trek Fight begins. I gotta hand it to Kirk, he's the only man I know capable of engaging in a philosophical debate while punching somebody in the face. Well, I guess when you're a captain you have to multitask all the time. Kirk tells Rojan that if you look human, talk human, behave human and feel human then you're human and that when the Kelvans go home they'll be treated by the other Kelvans like...like Kelvans treat other people.

So basically Rojan has no choice but to admit defeat and settle down on that planet where the episode started. The circle is now complete, when I left, you were the master but......errr, nevermind. Wrong franchise.

Stardate: 4657.5
He's dead, Jim: Rather she's dead, Jim. Yeoman Thompson, quite possibly the only female crewman we actually see getting killed.
Strange new world: The unnamed planet where Kirk and Rojan meet for the first time. The Kelvans permanently settle the planet at the end of the episode.
New life: The Kelvans. Although they look human enough, the Kelvans are actually giant octopuses ten feet in diameter. They are creatures of pure intellect whose bodies do not feel anything superfluous. The Kelvans follow a strict code of conduct and expect those they conquer to follow that code as well. They have travelled 300 years from the Andromeda galaxy in search of new conquests since the heat death of their galaxy is threatening their civilisation.
Kirk's little black book: Kirk romances Kelinda for fun and pleasure.
Reporting for duty: The gung-ho Lieutenant Shea and the unfortunate Yeoman Thompson.
Asessment: A slight episode, but at least the cast have fun with it. The drinking contest between Scotty and Tomar is a must and the sight of the crew reduced to little blocks of sugar is also a highlight.